Sometimes I think....I know I seem to change logos on…
Four weeks ago a very good friend and someone I think of as a sister had a heart attack. During surgery, she suffered a severe massive stroke where she lost all movement in her right side and the ability to talk. It’s so hard to even say those words as I have been trying my best to avoid feeling anything. In that process, I selfishly have avoided her. I know she would love to see me and the kids. I know it would bring her joy and I feel horribly guilty. She is a wonderful woman and a great friend. She is the type of person you are glad to know. Always smiling and always joking, she was the life of the party. I miss her presence around the office, it just isn’t the same and it probably never will be again. The light is dim and the air is heavy as a part of our family is hurting and we can’t do anything to help her.
We all grieve differently and I understand what I am feeling is grief. We are all grieving not for her loss as she is still physically here but for what she lost. Although her body is here it is nothing but a cage for her mind and that is the scariest thing I can think of. My greatest fear is to be even more trapped inside my mind than I already am, to be a prisoner only to view the world without people able to touch it. It is almost like she is living inside a snow globe, looking out on the world but separated from it. The truth of the matter is it could have just as easily been me. I’m guilty of not caring for myself as I should. We were both very similar and alike outside of the fact she is an extrovert and I am an introvert.
I am afraid of what the future holds for her. My heart is breaking for her and her son.Yet, I’m afraid of going to see her. I’m terrified of giving up my last image of her joking about the fun day she had planned for Saturday with her new friend. Right now the fear of seeing her in this state is far greater than the fear of not seeing her. I know I sounds selfish and insensitive or like I am only thinking of myself and in a way I am. I also know it would do her no good for me to have some form of break down in front of her. I just am not ready, maybe one day I will be but that day isn’t today. It’s just too much.
I have prayed so much that she be miraculously healed and come back to her jolly self but it doesn’t seem to be GOD’s will at the moment. She seems to have the cards stacked against her and every time we get an update it’s worse than the update before. Infections, not responding, drifting off, it just seems like someone made a list of all the bad things that could happen and she is going through them. Her son has been there every step of the way. He reads romance novels out loud to her and makes sure everyone knows what is going on. He is so young to be going through so much and has stood strong. I wish I was half as strong as that young man.
I really just wanted to talk about what I was feeling. I’m just scared for my friend. I do have faith that she will find her way back to us. I can’t give up hope and I know one day she will smile and tell one of her quick witted jokes and we all will laugh and life will once again be normal.